Can I be funny on paper?

I'm a funny guy. This entire blog is based on this premise, so I'm not gonna shy away from that point. There are some cases where I have actually made liquid shoot out of someone's nose. Now granted, that was twenty-five years ago, when we were ten, and a well-timed fart could make liquid shoot out of someone's nose, but I'd like to think that I've retained the ability, even though my humour has gotten more sophisticated than flatulence.

The problem is that my humour is dry. Dry like the desert. Dry like a martini. Dry like your grandma's shortbread cookies that you choke down every year with about three gallons of eggnog because you don't want to hurt her feelings. Now that's fine in person, because a knowing glance, a wink, a particular lean of the shoulders can convey the message that I'm kidding (unless you're my mother-in-law, who has no idea when I'm joking unless I tell her). But will that translate on paper? Here's the first rule of thumb: if there's any doubt about whether I'm kidding, I'm probably kidding.

For example, when I was in the grocery store, I saw a sign on a bulk bin of chocolate covered peanuts that said "WARNING: MAY CONTAIN PEANUTS". Now, if I said that any idiot with a fatal peanut allergy who looks at a box of chocolate covered peanuts and thinks, "Well, if there were peanuts in there, they would put a warning on it," deserves to die of anaphylactic shock, I'm kidding. Barely.

The second rule of thumb: if I offer any advice or instruction, I'm telling you what worked for me personally, and it is not my fault if it causes you pain, heartache or a horrible itchy rash. Any advice is offered on an as-is basis, take it or leave it. I'm not telling you how to live your life. I'm just telling you what I think.

The rest we'll work out as we go along. Thanks for reading!